Update

Well I didn’t think about “Fred” in a romantic way for like a month or more but then he’s been extra flirty lately. And today he sends me all these suggestive texts and he has damn baby on the way, like any day now. Instead of having band practice, we took a drive to get something off of craigslist. It was great and fun, and we talked about our inappropriate text conversations a little bit. But then it was over and then I felt sad. I decided months ago that I wasn’t going to let it make me sad again, (my feelings for him but him being suddenly married and him having feelings for me as well). But today it made me sad. Also, I’m sick of that feeling I don’t want that anymore. It’s not okay in all parts of it, like him flirting with someone else is not fair to her, and not fair to me as well. I usually don’t use the term fair because life isn’t fair, but it’s not nice. I don’t know how to end this either. I guess I could just not hang out with him unless it’s band practice, but it’s so hard to say no. Plus it’s rare like I may not ever hang with him outside of practice or a gig, like ever again.

So I don’t know, I just feel awful. And he probably doesn’t because he gets to go home to a loving woman, and just fuck with my feelings on the side. It’s no good all around.

It feels so shitty. Like, we haven’t done anything physical at all, but……that’s all I’ve got.