Our plan was to see Fifty Shades of Gray, even though it wasn’t his cup of tea he said if it was important to me he’d go. We talked about it almost a week before Valentine’s day. I also really hoped he’d get me flowers. I know it’s bad to have expectations but holy shit, Valentine’s day, get your girlfriend flowers dumbasses. I cannot fathom having a girlfriend and not doing that on Vday. (just so you know, I’ve only gotten flowers once on Vday, so it’s not like I’m used to being showered with gifts and/or treated like a princess) It’s just common sense.
The day before he was coming over so I made him this:
He LOVED IT.
Then we hung out the next day on Valentine’s day, and he bought food for us to eat and expensive whisky (even though he knows that I am sick of alcohol and it makes me really hungover…) He made dinner and that was really sweet and very delicious. Then we started talking about the movie and he said so, I will go with you but it will probably be packed tonight since its Vday so you just tell me when you want to go and I’ll go.
I got really quiet thinking ‘why is he changing our plans? This is not okay what is happening?’.
Then he later asked me what do I want to do and I said, “why don’t we do the thing we were going to do?” And I don’t remember exactly what he said after that but I remember that he suggested we play the Archer game that I bought him for Christmas, and he said or we could go somewhere.
And basically I’m getting sad on the inside thinking he’s making a really bad move at not doing the thing we planned on doing, and I was going to make sex extra awesome for him and I was going to tell him I love him. So we agreed to go to a bar/restaurant that we both like. And him and I had 2 drinks apiece and his friend had one and I offered to pay since he had been paying for a lot of things lately and as I offered to pay he said loudly, “I am OKAY with THAT.”
The bill was $51. I ended up being so hungover the next day even though I only had 3 drinks all day. I had to work the next day. And he didn’t go down on me. And hasn’t in a long time. Even though I shave for him, solely because he wants me to.
WHY AM I STILL WITH HIM.
Am I being a diva princess bitch here?
And that night before we had passionless-me-almost-crying sex I told him that I was in a weird mood and it was because we didn’t do the thing that I wanted to do on Valentine’s day and that I don’t ever ask him to do anything. And he got mad that I was mad. He said “that’s not fair that you are mad at me, I gave you every chance to say that’s what you wanted to do tonight, it’s not fair that you are mad at me.”
And I just said, “why wouldn’t you do the ONE thing the woman wants and asks for on Valentine’s day, I am not that forceful I am not going to push you that hard to do something.”
It hurts so bad because I was so head over heels for him this week.
He’s been so caring and listening to my worries and thoughts.
We just talked on the phone. I still feel really shitty about the whole thing.
Maybe now would be a good time to break up. He keeps saying that if he knew it was that important to me then we would have gone and it wouldn’t have been an issue. And that I said it was cool to do something else. And why would I have said it was cool when it wasn’t cool? And I said that I am a people pleaser and I didn’t want to have to force you to do something that I wanted to do. And that he knew I wanted to do that, because I said I wanted to. Why would there be any suggestions of doing anything else?
Every time I open my heart and want to give myself completely to a person including in the bedroom they just shit all over my openness.
I guess I’m seeing him on Tuesday. I don’t know how I will feel towards him.
Also on the phone I said, should I just take the hint that you aren’t that into me? And he said why would you say that? And I said because of yesterday. And physical stuff…he wanted to know more about that but I didn’t say. I wanted to but didn’t know how to word it and I started talking about something else.
Love, Lust, and Life 