Some talks, and oral sex.

I’ve been trying to talk to him about some things because when I’m not with him I think of all of this bad stuff about him, such as things he’s said that upset me and it really stresses me out. So last night we hung out like normal. NO DRINKING I got so sick last weekend. We drink a lot together and I’m done with it. D.O.N.E. Anyhoo, we had sex. And I had hip surgery a month and a half ago and he hasn’t gone down on me since one or two weeks before the surgery. So I gave him a bj and then he just goes to putting it in me. My heart sank. And it’s a big issue because of the shaving thing. He only goes down on women if they’re shaven…ugh how wussy is that? So I’ve been shaving even though I don’t want to. And he hardly ever goes down on me. In previous relationships I’ve never cared about receiving oral. Because they usually do it so much that I don’t even care for it. Every once in a while is nice but it’s not the greatest thing ever. But with this guy he hardly does it AND I shave for it. So last night we had sex and afterwards I felt so empty. And my heart was beating really fast, I couldn’t believe he didn’t do it. I think he sensed my weird body language. He seemed very open and receptive to communication. And it wasn’t directly after sex but a little bit after that I said, “you confuse me.” And I didn’t want to open with being sexually dissatisfied, so I said, “the other day when  you said, ‘you’re lucky you’re attractive, have an amazing vagina, and are a good person’ what did that mean?” And he said, “what??”. He said he meant it as a compliment and would I like him to take it back? To me it seemed like, what? why am I lucky…..I dunno it was just weird. So I said that and then I was quiet for a long time. And then later I said, “are you awake?” He said, “yes.” I was quiet again (couldn’t get any words out) and literally minutes later he said, “why?”. I said that I have a stupid question to ask, “do you like going down on me?” And he said, “that is a stupid question. Yes I like doing that to you. And you are welcome to request it at any time.” I think I cut him off but I said, “I don’t think I will ever do that.” I think he said other things but I interrupted him which I wish I hadn’t but then I said, “I like…… don’t think I should have to.”

And he didn’t say anything else. It takes a while for me to think of things to say and by that time I was afraid he was falling asleep.

OMG I’m way too nice. I think some girls would just bring up shit even if their guy is needing sleep but I just keep it in. Only with him though. I’ve never been quite like this before because i know how much open communication is so important.

So I am so happy that I got some stuff out. But the universe is giving me every sign to get rid of this guy. I just really want to do it in a civil understanding way. Can’t really predict that or make that happen but damn he’s so great in ways that I don’t blog about.

And it is weird that he didn’t talk much after I brought up stuff. Like we didn’t talk it out to find a mutual understanding.

I didn’t sleep much last night, I’ve had a headache and I had to process my thoughts and feelings. I found a happiness that was me realizing I am not stuck. I do not have to be with him. I can date others and someday I will find someone who makes me feel good about myself. Someone who supports my feelings rather than shuts down. And someone who gives back massages!!!!!!! 🙂 🙂 🙂

I think about Travis so much and I have conversations “with him” in my head without actually saying the stuff to him and I know how toxic that is. It is stressful and it probably is bringing me down. Also I need to stop thinking about it.

And about oral sex. I want a guy who can’t help but do it to me. Who feels like he can’t stop himself from doing it. Not wait for me to fucking request it.

Ugh I could so easily not see him again. But I don’t want to do that to him. But he seems to not have many feelings so he may not be too hurt from it.

There’s this guy I’ve been talking to on Facebook he asked me on a date 2 weeks ago. I’ve been avoiding it, but I am going to meet him this week 😬 🙈 😱

So many things went wrong with Valentine’s day…

Our plan was to see Fifty Shades of Gray, even though it wasn’t his cup of tea he said if it was important to me he’d go. We talked about it almost a week before Valentine’s day. I also really hoped he’d get me flowers. I know it’s bad to have expectations but holy shit, Valentine’s day, get your girlfriend flowers dumbasses. I cannot fathom having a girlfriend and not doing that on Vday. (just so you know, I’ve only gotten flowers once on Vday, so it’s not like I’m used to being showered with gifts and/or treated like a princess) It’s just common sense.

The day before he was coming over so I made him this:

He LOVED IT.

Then we hung out the next day on Valentine’s day, and he bought food for us to eat and expensive whisky (even though he knows that I am sick of alcohol and it makes me really hungover…) He made dinner and that was really sweet and very delicious. Then we started talking about the movie and he said so, I will go with you but it will probably be packed tonight since its Vday so you just tell me when you want to go and I’ll go.

I got really quiet thinking ‘why is he changing our plans? This is not okay what is happening?’.

Then he later asked me what do I want to do and I said, “why don’t we do the thing we were going to do?” And I don’t remember exactly what he said after that but I remember that he suggested we play the Archer game that I bought him for Christmas, and he said or we could go somewhere.

And basically I’m getting sad on the inside thinking he’s making a really bad move at not doing the thing we planned on doing, and I was going to make sex extra awesome for him and I was going to tell him I love him. So we agreed to go to a bar/restaurant that we both like. And him and I had 2 drinks apiece and his friend had one and I offered to pay since he had been paying for a lot of things lately and as I offered to pay he said loudly, “I am OKAY with THAT.”

The bill was $51. I ended up being so hungover the next day even though I only had 3 drinks all day. I had to work the next day. And he didn’t go down on me. And hasn’t in a long time. Even though I shave for him, solely because he wants me to.

WHY AM I STILL WITH HIM.

Am I being a diva princess bitch here?

And that night before we had passionless-me-almost-crying sex I told him that I was in a weird mood and it was because we didn’t do the thing that I wanted to do on Valentine’s day and that I don’t ever ask him to do anything. And he got mad that I was mad. He said “that’s not fair that you are mad at me, I gave you every chance to say that’s what you wanted to do tonight, it’s not fair that you are mad at me.”

And I just said, “why wouldn’t you do the ONE thing the woman wants and asks for on Valentine’s day, I am not that forceful I am not going to push you that hard to do something.”

It hurts so bad because I was so head over heels for him this week.

He’s been so caring and listening to my worries and thoughts.

We just talked on the phone. I still feel really shitty about the whole thing.

Maybe now would be a good time to break up. He keeps saying that if he knew it was that important to me then we would have gone and it wouldn’t have been an issue. And that I said it was cool to do something else. And why would I have said it was cool when it wasn’t cool? And I said that I am a people pleaser and I didn’t want to have to force you to do something that I wanted to do. And that he knew I wanted to do that, because I said I wanted to. Why would  there be any suggestions of doing anything else?

Every time I open my heart and want to give myself completely to a person including in the bedroom they just shit all over my openness.

I guess I’m seeing him on Tuesday. I don’t know how I will feel towards him.

Also on the phone I said, should I just take the hint that you aren’t that into me? And he said why would you say that? And I said because of yesterday. And physical stuff…he wanted to know more about that but I didn’t say. I wanted to but didn’t know how to word it and I started talking about something else.