We just fucked for 5 hours.

Ummmmm.

I went out to lunch with him today, and I had mixed feelings, and I had previously decided that if he wanted to sleep with me that I would not. Since he hurt my feelings so bad on Friday by saying the let’s just be friends thing. But we had lunch and I had a really good time with him. We talked about important life things and it felt natural and nice. I didn’t let myself get too excited because I thought it was just going to be our final hang and no sex stuff would happen. But we go back to his place because the server brought me two drinks, they were 2 for 1, and I felt pretty intoxicated, so he said I could come up for a little bit and I did. I sat on his couch and I was really thinking that he was going to sit on the chair that is not near the couch. But he sat next to me and brushed up against me a little here and there. Then he laid back on the couch as if he wanted me to lay next to him. I look at him and I say, “are you comfortable like that?” And then I lay next to him and it feels really good. Then we kiss a little and I ask him about what he meant by hanging out on a friend level. And he meant that he has so many things going on in his life that he feels he wouldn’t be able to put enough attention into me and it wouldn’t be fair to me. He has a big court thing going on from a car accident he was in and his son is going to start kindergarten and they seem really close.

I told him that I am very cool with moving slow. And as long as he communicates with me then I will understand. And plus I have my own things I need to focus on too.

And then we boned for 5 hours straight, holy shit. And we did anal. OMG he is so great. His back is all messed up from the car accident so it was me on top for 98% of the time, which is one of my least favorite positions, but he is so great that I am glad to be able to do that. He tried other positions but they hurt him. So my body is fucking tired, my arms are shaking. If we keep seeing each other I am going to get really good at that position and I am going to have super strong arms.

I was NOT expecting the sex, and not expecting him to like me anymore.

It goes to show that him saying he wanted to still hang out on a friend level, triggered so many things in my brain and in my emotions, but they weren’t true. Like the first day I was upset because I was tired of all the rejection I’ve had in my life. And it brought up insecurities, and I assumed I was bad at sex and that’s why he didn’t want to see me anymore, or that I’m emotionally unavailable, or I’m not bubbly enough for him, or yadda yadda yadda. He said the friend thing on Friday, today is Monday and by Saturday my brain just concluded that none of those things made sense, nor are they true, and he probably didn’t want to have sex anymore because it hurts his back and that he felt I deserved more than what he could give.

So, our automatic assumptions are not always true!

I am going to be a little cautious with this guy though, he has hurt me a couple of times already, like him not remembering to text me in the beginning for like 6 days, and then him rescheduling the next time, and then this friend thing. Not too bad, but we also talked about depression and he must just go in and withdraw. I should ask him more about that, because I can’t have a guy who completely goes inward and shuts me out when they’re upset. I need someone who’s all there, even if they’re mad or upset.

Gotta go to sleep now, nighty night!

The Dichotomy that is my life

I am starting to get ahead on my professional life/purpose. At the same time my drumming is beginning to peak it’s head and become close to blossom. The drumming involves a dirty chicken coop  that is out in the sticks. Drinking (whisky for me), and they usually smoke. And just debauchery really.

Also having some heartache from that. It’s more that this guy, my stupid fucking married bassist, “Fred”, brings out these feelings in me, that make me feel fully alive.

My guy Caleb has been more distant than usual this past week. I have been upset ever since the last time I saw him which was 6 days ago. (also we hardly had any sex…and he hurt my feelings). I asked him if he was being more distant than usual and he said it is was in my imagination and sent a long message with these reasons as to why he’s just been busy. To me, it sounds like more and more fucking excuses. A whole lot of talking and not enough fucking. He didn’t message me at all on Monday even though I sent 2. On tuesday after asking him if he has been more distant than usual, he responded to my invite to a comedy show, and he said he’d let me know once he finds out his plans. I still don’t mother fucking hear back from him the next day. Today on Wednesday at 5:30pm I say, “I am no longer available as previously stated.”

BECAUSE, I fucking wake up and the first thing that pops in my mind is to check my phone in case Caleb has sent me something. I keep my phone on me so close just in case I hear from him. And after so many days of feeling like this and after months of having to close my feelings off for him, only to get them turned back on in the rare chance that I get to fuck him, is just not working out. I had been feeling sad about STILL NOT hearing from him, like holy fuck how much does this guy suck at life?!?!? That I started asking friends to join me at the comedy show (that I invited him to). No one was available. I ended up telling “Fred” that my previous plans fell through for going to penguins comedy club. He asked, “soooo, whatcha gunna do?!” And said that he was trying to figure out what he was going to do that night as well. I instinctively got excited, but a smidgen of me remembered that he just says things without meaning them to be invitations and is very confusing. So I invited him to the show, but also said to invite the guitarist as a band bonding time. He said he wants to but couldn’t spend money. He said he’d just be at home playing by himself. I said I’ll join! Unless he wants to play alone, while summoning the spirits of deceased chickens. (practice space is an old chicken coop).

That’s when I sent Caleb a text saying that I am no longer available as previously stated. I wanted it to inform him that I am, possibly later at a different time ie after I got out of practice but without informing him of what my new obligation was.

So, he called me about an hour and a half later. I didn’t answer, was way too busy getting ready for practice and had to drop off something to a friend first and needed to pick up more whisky before making it to practice AND I went for a kickass bike ride after an interesting day at work (all off of 5 hours of sleep).

He left a message and I couldn’t hear every single thing he said, but it sounded like stupid idiot excuses, and he also sounded nervous, especially at the end, and he said call me sometime.

I have not responded.

After practice, I was driving home and I got sad. Sad about getting over Caleb and pushing him out of my life, and sad about “Fred”. Just finding someone who I want to jump into life with but not being able to. And not being fully taken care of emotionally by my ‘almost relationship’. Feeling like I have nowhere to run. Like wanting a place to run and cry to while being hugged. I do have some friends who I could do that to. And that fact alone is one of the greatest facets of life. I want to run to Caleb, the comfortable thing, and cry on his shoulder, but he’s not here for me enough, he is not a good source of support. And then there’s the ‘Fred’ who would probably think it’d be too much. Which duh of course it would be. I’m super tired and mostly rambling.

My therapist mentioned something that alluded to “daddy issues”. She suggested that I explore that some more. There seems to be patterns and it seems like she left it open for me to find the conclusion on my own.

I sort of cut my dad out of my life, emotionally. He is there but I don’t let him in, I don’t call him, we see each other about every two months, but we don’t have a close relationship that’s for damn sure. And yet I am constantly looking for love from a man. (not to mention my extremely ravenous sex-drive) So there seems to be something to all of this but I haven’t figured it out.

Anyways, I cried tonight, mostly about getting over Caleb, and not wanting to, but also trying to get myself to.

Making life better.

I’m going to make my life so good that no man can affect it.

I have a good job. I just signed up for a Health Coach Certification. I will get that in about 4-6 months. I am crafting an amazing beautiful life for myself and that can’t be touched or brought down by a silly man.

I think with Caleb that he’s just not good at life. He sometimes responds a ton, but this weekend was a huge football game, so he was out getting wasted and couldn’t find the brain space to text me back a lot. Even if I’m out having fun with people I still get back to him. He just parties and drinks too much. Which were my reservations about him at the very beginning, even years ago when I first met him. How’s that for intuition and listening to your gut! An example of how we could benefit from listening to our instincts…

Caleb’s lack of response

Made me sad last night. And I hardly ate anything and had 4 drinks on empty stomach. That can make me emotional. But it was all valid and accurate. Had lots of amazing sex with him on Thursday and Friday morning. I tell him it’s my weekend off, so he can come visit me Saturday and/or Sunday. He ends up not responding much after I left and he says he’s sick and been in bed all day. He gets sick a lot. He is not in good shape health-wise. I won’t have a night free in almost 2 weeks. I told him this. Long distance is too frustrating. I leave his place feeling open, happy, loving. And then I have to shut it off since I won’t see him for so long and he doesn’t respond soon enough.

There are times when I like him so much. But it’s just too hard.

2 Big Life Changes Happening at Once. 3 Including Hip Surgery.

I don’t know if I can go through a breakup and start a new job at the same time. I didn’t do very well on my quizzes at work. I couldn’t concentrate. We were going to do something today and around 3 I asked what he wanted to do. He said he didn’t know. I said, “you can come here?” He said, tomorrow would be better, then I can come over right after the gym after work. That made me sad.

I started my new job today. I haven’t worked in 2.5 months due to hip surgery. 2 days ago my boyfriend of one year and 2 months and I broke up.

I wonder if making plans to see him is making me feel worse. Because now there’s a chance we may get back together and/or maybe we’ll have mind blowing sex again. But if I knew for sure that we were done for good then would I feel happier, focusing on my new freedom knowing that I will find someone who is so great for me? But right now I am focusing on my recovery, (being able to run again after not for 3.5 years!), my NEW JOB (that is really good for me in so many ways.), my new single start, being true to myself and eventually meeting someone who treats my feelings the way that I need. And a guy who gives massages! And who makes my head feel full of sparks when we kiss.

Ugh Travis really isn’t that bad. Well yes he is. Well I’m just tired. Goodnight.

And then we had anal sex.

We’ve been together for a year and a month and I haven’t done anal with him because I don’t feel emotionally in sync and open with him so I just can’t go there. And I have told him I actually do like it. But the way he goes about it is not good. Instead of touching me there or asking for it while were fooling around he brings it up when we’re out in public in front of people…Yeah, how mature…

Last night after our breakup talk I laid in his bed until he got back home from going out with his brother and his friend, I couldn’t sleep because of what happened with us. He got home laid with me took his clothes off and unzipped my shorts placed his hand on top of my vagina and let it sit there. Maybe he was sensing my body language I was kind of unsure about doing anything. I was starting to feel excited and he took his hand away. I started feeling conflicted, and more awake from being turned on now. I struggled with it in my brain for a while, also because he said earlier he’s not big on goodbye sex. I didn’t want to hurt him or make it more difficult for us to split. But I knew that may be the last time I would have sex for a while. And sex with him is SO GOOD. We just fit together really well. Anyways I ended up asking if I could touch him and he said yes. So then it began.

It started with us laying on our sides him spooning me, sexin’ (haha). I figured it’d be kind of routine it was 3 in the morning. Then we did a few more positions then he went down on me. Even though I wasn’t perfectly shaven (up to his dumbass standards [trying to do a landing strip type of thing]) he did it and it felt good. I almost cried. Okay, so some tears did come out because of sadness and all that we’ve been through and worked through about the sex stuff. He didn’t notice tears. I asked him what he wanted, and he said, “I want to know why you don’t do anal with me” (cuz he knows I like it and have done it in the past). I explained the emotional reasons to him and he seemed to understand this time. Then we did doggy style….LOVE. Then he licked me from behind and he let his tongue venture up to my ass, he’s never done that to me before and I fucking loved it. I’ve had others do it a little bit but I didn’t think he’d be down to do that. And I’ve been wanting that forever. He was like a fucking pro. Just stopped and had a fucking lunch break there. He asked if I was a fan of that I said, yes! He said, “why didn’t you tell me??” I said I didn’t think he’d be into it. And then he used his fingers in me. And then it was just an explosion of me getting my mind blown not believing what was happening, and then we talked about anal. And I said we totally can because of what you just did with your tongue. But I need lots of lube and go slowly.

And it has been a good year and a half maybe more since I’ve done that. Actually probably 2 years. And my guy has a huge penis. So we did it slowly and there were times that it was a little painful but he was slow and intuitive to how I was feeling. But once you get yourself relaxed and he is in then it feels so amazing. And also just the way he was doing everything was like all my wildest dreams come true. The hair pulling, the neck grabbing. Anal is just a deeper more intense awesome thing.

So basically the tongue action overrides the whole emotional block that was blocking my ass, HA! I could have told him that a while ago that that’s what he needed to do to get me to do anal, but I think he needed to grow up and learn that on his own. I told him that doing what he did will get him anal way more successfully (100% more successfully) then bringing it up in front of people.

So…..I’ve had A LOT of weird days in my life but that one is up there!! The day we break up we have anal and it WAS SO FIREY (I mean, like, sexy hot). And I know it’s partly because it was “goodbye” sex I’ve never done that by the way. But we are seeing each other tomorrow so maybe we’ll do it again.

He was so very sad today, that kills me. Also good to know he does have some feelings in there! Plus I spent all night laying in bed mourning the loss of him and healing and he spent the night drinking. So he is behind me on the getting over it part. But now he knows he can get the awesome sex that he so badly has wanted I bet it makes him more sad. That part sucks.

And last night I was SO CLOSE to walking out and going home. I just didn’t want to get in an accident from crying so bad while driving.

I am so relieved that he is texting me and stuff though. I figured once we decided to breakup that would be it and he’d be done forever.

Some talks, and oral sex.

I’ve been trying to talk to him about some things because when I’m not with him I think of all of this bad stuff about him, such as things he’s said that upset me and it really stresses me out. So last night we hung out like normal. NO DRINKING I got so sick last weekend. We drink a lot together and I’m done with it. D.O.N.E. Anyhoo, we had sex. And I had hip surgery a month and a half ago and he hasn’t gone down on me since one or two weeks before the surgery. So I gave him a bj and then he just goes to putting it in me. My heart sank. And it’s a big issue because of the shaving thing. He only goes down on women if they’re shaven…ugh how wussy is that? So I’ve been shaving even though I don’t want to. And he hardly ever goes down on me. In previous relationships I’ve never cared about receiving oral. Because they usually do it so much that I don’t even care for it. Every once in a while is nice but it’s not the greatest thing ever. But with this guy he hardly does it AND I shave for it. So last night we had sex and afterwards I felt so empty. And my heart was beating really fast, I couldn’t believe he didn’t do it. I think he sensed my weird body language. He seemed very open and receptive to communication. And it wasn’t directly after sex but a little bit after that I said, “you confuse me.” And I didn’t want to open with being sexually dissatisfied, so I said, “the other day when  you said, ‘you’re lucky you’re attractive, have an amazing vagina, and are a good person’ what did that mean?” And he said, “what??”. He said he meant it as a compliment and would I like him to take it back? To me it seemed like, what? why am I lucky…..I dunno it was just weird. So I said that and then I was quiet for a long time. And then later I said, “are you awake?” He said, “yes.” I was quiet again (couldn’t get any words out) and literally minutes later he said, “why?”. I said that I have a stupid question to ask, “do you like going down on me?” And he said, “that is a stupid question. Yes I like doing that to you. And you are welcome to request it at any time.” I think I cut him off but I said, “I don’t think I will ever do that.” I think he said other things but I interrupted him which I wish I hadn’t but then I said, “I like…… don’t think I should have to.”

And he didn’t say anything else. It takes a while for me to think of things to say and by that time I was afraid he was falling asleep.

OMG I’m way too nice. I think some girls would just bring up shit even if their guy is needing sleep but I just keep it in. Only with him though. I’ve never been quite like this before because i know how much open communication is so important.

So I am so happy that I got some stuff out. But the universe is giving me every sign to get rid of this guy. I just really want to do it in a civil understanding way. Can’t really predict that or make that happen but damn he’s so great in ways that I don’t blog about.

And it is weird that he didn’t talk much after I brought up stuff. Like we didn’t talk it out to find a mutual understanding.

I didn’t sleep much last night, I’ve had a headache and I had to process my thoughts and feelings. I found a happiness that was me realizing I am not stuck. I do not have to be with him. I can date others and someday I will find someone who makes me feel good about myself. Someone who supports my feelings rather than shuts down. And someone who gives back massages!!!!!!! 🙂 🙂 🙂

I think about Travis so much and I have conversations “with him” in my head without actually saying the stuff to him and I know how toxic that is. It is stressful and it probably is bringing me down. Also I need to stop thinking about it.

And about oral sex. I want a guy who can’t help but do it to me. Who feels like he can’t stop himself from doing it. Not wait for me to fucking request it.

Ugh I could so easily not see him again. But I don’t want to do that to him. But he seems to not have many feelings so he may not be too hurt from it.

There’s this guy I’ve been talking to on Facebook he asked me on a date 2 weeks ago. I’ve been avoiding it, but I am going to meet him this week 😬 🙈 😱

Weekend

I have the weekend free ish could totally go over to his house but yesterday was annoying. I am on crutches and he has lots of stairs and his bedroom and bathroom are upstairs. And his bed is at a really annoying angle because his boxspring is broken. And his room has lots of bright electronic lights and it’s been a tad too warm. It took me ten minutes to leave his house today because being on crutches makes things way difficult.
I am laying here in my own room it is dark quiet and the exact perfect temperature. I get the entire bed, and the bed is perfectly flat. Just saying I’m glad to have my own room.

Yesterday

Travis, his friend and I were out to eat and his friend was talking about a new girl he has been talking to and he said you have to be there for them and give them support, and I said, “well yeah because if the emotional part of the relationship is good then you can get whatever you want” ie sex-wise. And he said even anal? And I said yes definitely. And Travis said it hasn’t been good this whole time??? And his friend said, see Travis you need to be more emotionally available. And I said yeah.
Glad that he might get that now but now he’s probably intensely wondering what is not good about the emotional part of our relationship. And he has texted a bit less than usual today. Which is fine with me because last night bad memories popped up in my head again and I cried a lot. It was annoying and it was in the middle of the night at his place. And normally I’d bring up these things that are on my mind but sometimes he gets so cold and closed off and thinks the most minor conversations are a fight that i can’t risk that happening because it hurts me so bad.
And sometimes he’s been really amazing to talk to and that has made me love him more. But I really can’t handle him being a silent angry closed off robot.

Boyfriend and friends.

I hung out with the boyfriend last night. It was a good time but after we had sex I started thinking about things and got a little teary. I am good at hiding things so he didn’t notice. I wanted to bring stuff up but I didn’t. I want to ask him if we are friends with benefits and does he want to break up with me but isn’t because he’s being nice? I think my disappointment in him is making this surgery thing more painful. I need to clear things up with him. But for some reason I feel like I am not going to see him after my surgery. Like I just feel like that, and it is sad. I know I’m a bit of a drama queen when scary life things happen to me it feels like the end of the world and that I will never walk, drive, love or have sex again, when in reality it is temporary and the sun will shine again. I just really gotta talk to him and see how he feels about us and tell him how I feel. My goal is to call him today.

My friends and some family have been so supportive to me right now. It is blowing my mind 🙂

I am trying to be as social as possible while I am still mobile. Today I am meeting my friend Anne, she needs support because she is getting a divorce. Her husband is a loser and an idiot. He left her. She was extremely unhappy with him anyways and this is so much for the better. I met them before they got married and I told her not to marry him. I am going to be very needy since I will be bored from not working and not being able to drive places so I am reaching out to my friends and they are being amazing and I think this will be a beautiful healing process.

3.5 days until surgery day! I have a lot of things to organize and stock up on before then.

Also the weather has warmed up 🙂 🙂 🙂 it will be a magnificently beautiful spring time. With or without the stupid boy. Who is actually not that stupid. He is highly intelligent and when I hang with him I notice all the things I like about him. But it still doesn’t change the hurtful things he’s said and the way he lives his life is something that is not what I am too interested in. Such as dissimilar hobbies and lack of spontaneity and thirst for adventure.