Do I Actually Have to Train My Man?

I’ve struggled emotionally in almost all of my relationships. I am an attractive awesome smart female who is easy going and level headed. I think my problem is is that I am too easy going and I make it too easy for the guy.

I’ve read countless articles, watched all the youtube videos, and listened to the podcasts about how to get what I want from a relationship. I recently searched for, “I don’t feel appreciated by my boyfriend” and read some amazingly eye opening things about how the male brain works. It says that men’s brains are wired to value what they have to earn. They want a woman who is not easy to “get” because then it gives them a sense of accomplishment. This is a new concept to me as I have always believed that I do not want to train my man because he is not my child. Also, I step back on showing my feelings for each and every action he takes so that I can see how he truly is without my outside influence. -So far this has gotten me heartbreak after heartbreak and I am now a cynical female who has lost hope for love and am extremely sexually frustrated.-  According to what I’ve read it does make sense but it sucks! I talked to some men at work today and they said that my guy basically has been training me. Like he hasn’t been paying for my meals (and makes incredibly more money than me) yet I “give him sex”, time and attention anyways. This is teaching him that his behavior is acceptable. I do not buy into the whole withholding sex to train him thing, although it was grown married MEN who told me this! Also I feel I cannot withhold sex for this reason because I need sex too! I am hardly getting enough at all. When my boyfriend and I were first together (only been together 6 months now) we had A LOT more sex. We definitely do it every time we see each other which is 2 sometimes 3 days per week. We used to do it that night sometimes multiple times, and in the morning like clockwork every single damn time and I was really happy! Finally I’ve found a man who is amazing AND has a healthy sex drive (not to mention how good the sex is…). But he has legit sleep problems and lately falls asleep before we do it, and then we have it in the morning, but that is not working out for me. I have had issues in the bedroom and this is a big deal to me. I actually just found a Sex Therapist who I plan to see soon so that will help me with those issues.

But after reading these articles, and talking to men etc, it does make sense to teach someone how you want to be treated, but are all men mindless dogs who will inevitably do the complete bare minimum unless there is a woman nagging him and rewarding him with sex and food when he behaves?

If this is the case, maybe I should start dating women!

Webcam? Boyfriend? Waaaa?

Hello my long lost buddies! I’ve been dating a guy for over 2 months now, holy cow am I right? That’s kind of a big deal as I’ve been extremely single for a long time. He’s pretty amazing, I am making sure to keep my cool about him though, so I’m not really getting the happy butterflies but I think it’s a conscious effort to not get too excited too soon. But he’s out of town for a job interview in another country soooo…. he may move away. Which would suck, a lot.

I had one of the craziest 2 months of my life this spring and one of the things included me quitting my highest paying job. This week especially I’ve been quite broke and I’ve been researching online how to make money! I’ve got 2 jobs and I work 36-38 hours per week and I don’t want to work any more than that. I’d be okay with doing some online stuff, but I don’t want any more shifts in the outside world. Nope nope nope, not doing it. SO, I’ve been thinking about being a webcam model for many years now, and today I went to apply to PandoraModeling and they were jerks to me! I guess I got a little snarky with them first, so that ruined my chances of getting hired there lol! So I’m looking elsewhere. I really don’t know if I will go through with this. I can be shy behind the camera, but I do have a high sex drive and I do really really need to make more money! Oh plus I’m gorgeous, there’s that too. I figure since I can’t seem to find another career that makes decent money (even though I’m highly educated) based on my actual abilities maybe I can use my good looks???

Have you guys done Webcam work? What about escort? I don’t know all the details of that but I think it’s legal, as long as you don’t prostitute yourself out…

This probably isn’t the best route for me to take in my life, but there are some ways that I think it could be! I am a highly sexual person who has been repressed her whole life and I think this could help me get out of my shell a bit and to make a hobby of something I’ve been quietly obsessed with my whole life.

This has been, my thoughts.

Goonight ❤ ❤ I love you guys for reading my words it means a lot! Xoxoxo

Is the universe telling me I should hate men?

Because that’s the conclusion I keep consistently coming to. Even though I don’t want to, because I looooove men. But I keep getting hurt. It’s almost funny at this rate.

My last post was in September it is now April and this past winter has been very very depressing and I went multiple months without having sex, like 2 multiple months worth of time in a row. I have that one guy in my parent’s town I can sleep with but I’m not feeling it with him, and I don’t sleep that well. And my body is all bloated and not good lately.

I keep swearing off dating sites but then I was convinced by an online therapist to try it again and I did. To my surprise there were some good ones! 3 Sundays ago I went on a date and I actually liked him. Then we met up that next Friday and when we left the place we hugged and made out a lot in the street. Then we went to another place and when we left we made out again standing against my car. I told him that I wanted to invite him over but I probably shouldn’t. We just about said bye twice while being all kissy and touchy face then he unzipped my coat and put his hands in my coat. Then I told him he could come over. I have no self control in this area whatsoever. So he spent the night that night and then the next. Then I went to his place after hiking this past Tuesday and spent the night. We have lots of sex and it’s great. I didn’t want to jump into sex so soon but hey I really can’t help it. So he’s really into rock climbing and he said he was going out of town this weekend to do so. He said I was welcome to come with and said it twice. But I already had plans and would like to know him a little better before I go to another state with him.  The next day he texted saying, “If I don’t climb on Sunday would you want to do something?” And I said yeah Sunday could work! Now it is Sunday and I already started feeling crappy about him on Friday. He has said that he goes out of town almost every weekend and I HATE ‘maybe’ plans. I eventually texted him this evening at 8 pm asking if he wanted to do something. That was over an hour ago and haven’t heard back yet. BTW I fucking hate this stupid texting game. I hate all of this. I hate dates, I hate the waiting game. Why does it seem like the females (not always but in my case, yes) are waiting by their phones almost desperately and looking forward to seeing this person and shaving their body to pristine perfection just for a fucking ‘maybe’ plan. Oh hail naw.

I know it’s pretty soon for this relationship for me to be all upset but I fucking am. Mostly because I was enjoying him and I feel like I was left hanging and I can’t be in a sexual/romantic relationship if we only see each other once per week. Just no. I have an addictive personality and I think I need to start attending Sex and Love Addict groups. Now that I’ve had sex again, it is all I can think about. And what’s even more annoying is that I am a very attractive 31 year old female who is basically always sexually repressed and frustrated. You wouldn’t think it’d be so hard (meh) to get some good boning. The problem is is that I am really picky, I don’t just sleep with randos, AND the town I live in isn’t that great and there’s too many young people here.

I’m going to look on the dating site where him and I met and talk to other people. Not out of spite because I thought about this earlier this week because there were other guys I was interested in that never got a chance to meet. I am so afraid that it will show that he is on the site though. That will kinda kill me. Wow I am way too serious about these things.

Oh, I quit a job of mine and start a new much less glamorous one on Tuesday. Yikes. It will be more fun though and I’ll meet way more people. Maybe find some new victims 😛

Headaches!

I have been getting headaches even though I haven’t been drinking. What gives?!?

Mostly just this week and I assume it’s pms symptoms. And weather related.

But it has made me realize how often I blamed my headaches on alcohol, when since quitting alcohol, I am having just as much seemingly more headaches than usual. Maybe it’s withdrawal symptoms? I wasn’t drinking every day before, but a significant amount. I have had one drink a couple of times just to minimize any possible withdrawal symptoms.

I feel like my mental state is in a much more stable and happy place. Things seem a bit brighter and I feel very positive about my future. I see very good things ahead 🙂

Going to Caleb’s was a test, I always drink when I go to his house, and it was a social thing, his family was around the whole time. And I still just had one drink that was made with Cherry Macgillycuddy’s, which has an incredibly low alcohol content. So I did well on that test. He stayed up way too late and it pissed me off, I told him I couldn’t stay up late but he kept me up way too late anyways, I felt like shit at work yesterday and my sleep schedule is all screwed up and today I feel not right either. I am so sick of having to loose multiple days of feeling okay just to have a good time and get laid. I told him I cannot stay up that late anymore. It makes me not want to go to his house. I should tell him that too. But in a nice way.

Also I have been listening to a Rich Roll book on CD while I drive, it’s great! To my surprise he talked about his problems with alcohol and it was great listening to it while I am doing my own work in that area.

Good things guys.

Need a life change.

The boy “Fred” was really distant on Thursday, as in, didn’t text me at all until 5:00pm. I waited until the afternoon to text him and it was really weird not hearing from him all day. I knew someone was up, I assumed he just left his phone at home, but it still made me sad. And fact alone, is a bad one. I have been relying on his daily texts to help boost my mood, and then when he doesn’t then I feel kinda low. Anyways, We had practice that evening and he informed me and the guitarist that he was mad at us that we let my friend plug into his expensive bass cab without asking him. And I later asked him if that was why he didn’t text me all day and he said yeah, that he didn’t want to explain it through text, so he just didn’t say anything.

Practice was okay, I didn’t feel good, I felt so off, I think partially because I didn’t hear from him all day (omg I am so sensitive I know…) he was not feeling good either due to being really stressed about all of his big life things going on. And then yesterday we texted a little and he says that he has some serious mental health issues right now, and he feels so bad about getting mad at us. And now today I haven’t heard from him. I am okay with that because the whole me having a huge crush on him thing, is getting to be a problem. It is starting to be hurtful to me. Spending a bunch of time with him but having feelings for him that I can’t control, but not being able to act on them.

Also, band practice is negatively affecting other areas of my life. I always drink during practice, (and I have some minor health problems, so alcohol isn’t the best for me) and it takes up a lot of time and it is really bad for my hearing too.

I am not going to quit, but I think I need to step back and reassess some things.

My heart is so hurt by idiot Justin, I still have memories that pop up about him, and it just feels like a nightmare, and very short lived nightmare, like the world just wants to hurt me. The pain is forcing me to do other things though, like take yoga classes, it’s a way to deal. And I’ve been practicing drums on my own, with a drum DVD doing rudiments and getting all technical and stuff.

And it is hurtful for me to be so close to “Fred”.

Our texts got pretty flirty on Monday and maybe it’s forced him to take a step back as well. Even though I have sexy thoughts about him (that I cannot control!) maybe the sexiest thing to do would be to do the right thing and not mess up their lives by getting involved.

Meh, I don’t know maybe some threesomes need to happen 😉

I’d need to get to know her more, because she is being a bit flirty with me too….

We just fucked for 5 hours.

Ummmmm.

I went out to lunch with him today, and I had mixed feelings, and I had previously decided that if he wanted to sleep with me that I would not. Since he hurt my feelings so bad on Friday by saying the let’s just be friends thing. But we had lunch and I had a really good time with him. We talked about important life things and it felt natural and nice. I didn’t let myself get too excited because I thought it was just going to be our final hang and no sex stuff would happen. But we go back to his place because the server brought me two drinks, they were 2 for 1, and I felt pretty intoxicated, so he said I could come up for a little bit and I did. I sat on his couch and I was really thinking that he was going to sit on the chair that is not near the couch. But he sat next to me and brushed up against me a little here and there. Then he laid back on the couch as if he wanted me to lay next to him. I look at him and I say, “are you comfortable like that?” And then I lay next to him and it feels really good. Then we kiss a little and I ask him about what he meant by hanging out on a friend level. And he meant that he has so many things going on in his life that he feels he wouldn’t be able to put enough attention into me and it wouldn’t be fair to me. He has a big court thing going on from a car accident he was in and his son is going to start kindergarten and they seem really close.

I told him that I am very cool with moving slow. And as long as he communicates with me then I will understand. And plus I have my own things I need to focus on too.

And then we boned for 5 hours straight, holy shit. And we did anal. OMG he is so great. His back is all messed up from the car accident so it was me on top for 98% of the time, which is one of my least favorite positions, but he is so great that I am glad to be able to do that. He tried other positions but they hurt him. So my body is fucking tired, my arms are shaking. If we keep seeing each other I am going to get really good at that position and I am going to have super strong arms.

I was NOT expecting the sex, and not expecting him to like me anymore.

It goes to show that him saying he wanted to still hang out on a friend level, triggered so many things in my brain and in my emotions, but they weren’t true. Like the first day I was upset because I was tired of all the rejection I’ve had in my life. And it brought up insecurities, and I assumed I was bad at sex and that’s why he didn’t want to see me anymore, or that I’m emotionally unavailable, or I’m not bubbly enough for him, or yadda yadda yadda. He said the friend thing on Friday, today is Monday and by Saturday my brain just concluded that none of those things made sense, nor are they true, and he probably didn’t want to have sex anymore because it hurts his back and that he felt I deserved more than what he could give.

So, our automatic assumptions are not always true!

I am going to be a little cautious with this guy though, he has hurt me a couple of times already, like him not remembering to text me in the beginning for like 6 days, and then him rescheduling the next time, and then this friend thing. Not too bad, but we also talked about depression and he must just go in and withdraw. I should ask him more about that, because I can’t have a guy who completely goes inward and shuts me out when they’re upset. I need someone who’s all there, even if they’re mad or upset.

Gotta go to sleep now, nighty night!

He just wants to be friends.

The guy who seemed head over heels for me, including very romantic public facebook posts, and telling me all sorts of lovey dovey stuff, after I slept with him on the third date (too soon??????? beginning to think YES!) now he wants to just stay on a friend level. He says he enjoys my company and really hopes we can still hang out.

That fucking hurt me a lot. I only slept with him because he seemed so into me and into us and all of our similarities. (and of course that I wanted to, or at least I thought I did before but during I was so tired from not sleeping enough) and he has a bad back injury so he couldn’t be very into it. I am now thinking the back thing might be his main reason for wanting to keep it as friends.

The “rejection” was such a fucking surprise when, he was the one who seemed way into me like way too soon. I hate this stuff so much. I cried a lot yesterday, and had to leave work for 30 minutes to cry it out after I got his message of wanting to keep it at a friend level.

I hadn’t checked my Tinder account in a while so I checked it yesterday, and a guy who I had previously talked to a little bit, invited me out on a date. And I thought hmmmmm okay! Why the hell not? I assumed it was potentially a recipe for disaster, since I am freshly hurt by Justin, but for whatever reasons I said yes. And I looked forward to it today, and I just got back from it and well….I barely recognized the guy from his picture, AND he was wearing a baseball cap and a tshirt. His personality was okay, but definitely no sparks. And I uncharacteristically agreed to go out to eat, which I usually don’t do on a first date due to not knowing the person enough, and I knew within seconds that I wasn’t interested, so why should he waste his money on the date and why should we both waste our time?? But we did, and I tired to get past the fact that I wasn’t interested in his appearance and tired to find things I liked about him but…..yeah, no luck. And since being hurt by Justin I feel like I am learning how to be nicer to the guys I date, like more sensitive to their feelings. This is serious stuff and I need to be nicer about it all.

Oh so Justin and I are allegedly having lunch on Monday. He offered to go out for lunch and I am going to ask him why he changed his mind so suddenly and drastically. It’s hard not to think that it was bad sex. Cuz before we did anything physical he was CRAZY about me and then once we did, he wants to just be friends…..ummmmm yeah.

He better fucking meet me on Monday, I’ll be nice, but I need to talk about some things because I didn’t feel comfortable while we were doing it and he probably picked up those vibes, and I know he enjoyed himself, so WTF.

Anyways, I was feeling better about it today, but now after that date I feel sad again. Whatevs though I’ve gotten over a million guys and I get better at it each time.

Time to focus on other things.

The Dichotomy that is my life

I am starting to get ahead on my professional life/purpose. At the same time my drumming is beginning to peak it’s head and become close to blossom. The drumming involves a dirty chicken coop  that is out in the sticks. Drinking (whisky for me), and they usually smoke. And just debauchery really.

Also having some heartache from that. It’s more that this guy, my stupid fucking married bassist, “Fred”, brings out these feelings in me, that make me feel fully alive.

My guy Caleb has been more distant than usual this past week. I have been upset ever since the last time I saw him which was 6 days ago. (also we hardly had any sex…and he hurt my feelings). I asked him if he was being more distant than usual and he said it is was in my imagination and sent a long message with these reasons as to why he’s just been busy. To me, it sounds like more and more fucking excuses. A whole lot of talking and not enough fucking. He didn’t message me at all on Monday even though I sent 2. On tuesday after asking him if he has been more distant than usual, he responded to my invite to a comedy show, and he said he’d let me know once he finds out his plans. I still don’t mother fucking hear back from him the next day. Today on Wednesday at 5:30pm I say, “I am no longer available as previously stated.”

BECAUSE, I fucking wake up and the first thing that pops in my mind is to check my phone in case Caleb has sent me something. I keep my phone on me so close just in case I hear from him. And after so many days of feeling like this and after months of having to close my feelings off for him, only to get them turned back on in the rare chance that I get to fuck him, is just not working out. I had been feeling sad about STILL NOT hearing from him, like holy fuck how much does this guy suck at life?!?!? That I started asking friends to join me at the comedy show (that I invited him to). No one was available. I ended up telling “Fred” that my previous plans fell through for going to penguins comedy club. He asked, “soooo, whatcha gunna do?!” And said that he was trying to figure out what he was going to do that night as well. I instinctively got excited, but a smidgen of me remembered that he just says things without meaning them to be invitations and is very confusing. So I invited him to the show, but also said to invite the guitarist as a band bonding time. He said he wants to but couldn’t spend money. He said he’d just be at home playing by himself. I said I’ll join! Unless he wants to play alone, while summoning the spirits of deceased chickens. (practice space is an old chicken coop).

That’s when I sent Caleb a text saying that I am no longer available as previously stated. I wanted it to inform him that I am, possibly later at a different time ie after I got out of practice but without informing him of what my new obligation was.

So, he called me about an hour and a half later. I didn’t answer, was way too busy getting ready for practice and had to drop off something to a friend first and needed to pick up more whisky before making it to practice AND I went for a kickass bike ride after an interesting day at work (all off of 5 hours of sleep).

He left a message and I couldn’t hear every single thing he said, but it sounded like stupid idiot excuses, and he also sounded nervous, especially at the end, and he said call me sometime.

I have not responded.

After practice, I was driving home and I got sad. Sad about getting over Caleb and pushing him out of my life, and sad about “Fred”. Just finding someone who I want to jump into life with but not being able to. And not being fully taken care of emotionally by my ‘almost relationship’. Feeling like I have nowhere to run. Like wanting a place to run and cry to while being hugged. I do have some friends who I could do that to. And that fact alone is one of the greatest facets of life. I want to run to Caleb, the comfortable thing, and cry on his shoulder, but he’s not here for me enough, he is not a good source of support. And then there’s the ‘Fred’ who would probably think it’d be too much. Which duh of course it would be. I’m super tired and mostly rambling.

My therapist mentioned something that alluded to “daddy issues”. She suggested that I explore that some more. There seems to be patterns and it seems like she left it open for me to find the conclusion on my own.

I sort of cut my dad out of my life, emotionally. He is there but I don’t let him in, I don’t call him, we see each other about every two months, but we don’t have a close relationship that’s for damn sure. And yet I am constantly looking for love from a man. (not to mention my extremely ravenous sex-drive) So there seems to be something to all of this but I haven’t figured it out.

Anyways, I cried tonight, mostly about getting over Caleb, and not wanting to, but also trying to get myself to.

Making life better.

I’m going to make my life so good that no man can affect it.

I have a good job. I just signed up for a Health Coach Certification. I will get that in about 4-6 months. I am crafting an amazing beautiful life for myself and that can’t be touched or brought down by a silly man.

I think with Caleb that he’s just not good at life. He sometimes responds a ton, but this weekend was a huge football game, so he was out getting wasted and couldn’t find the brain space to text me back a lot. Even if I’m out having fun with people I still get back to him. He just parties and drinks too much. Which were my reservations about him at the very beginning, even years ago when I first met him. How’s that for intuition and listening to your gut! An example of how we could benefit from listening to our instincts…

Unsatisfied in bed, and band practice was “meh”

I went to Caleb’s on Thursday night, had a really busy week but was looking forward to seeing and having sex with him all week. I was in such an open loving happy mood on my 1 hour drive to his house. Once I get there I start telling him about a book that I just got that I think he might like a lot. I try to think of the title and make a couple guesses as to the exact title. And he interrupts and starts stuttering and making fun of me.

….

I say, “wow should I just leave now or are you gunna be a jerk the whole time?”

Then my feelings for him close down immediately. I am in a bad mood. It seems obvious to everyone around. We go to the corner market and my vibe is still really unhappy. (also because I feel bad I was feeling so good about him and so open and I was going to be really great during sex because of this and he’s been doing “all the work” lately at least with initiating it). He asks me how the drive was, I said, “it was good, I was in a good mood…” He asked what happened, I say, “you were rude to me”. He says, “I’m sorry”. And there’s silence I might have muttered, “it’s okay”.

We watch some movies and I later start nibbling on his ear, he says my tongue feels really good. I can tell he is liking it a lot I keep nibbling and licking his ear, and he puts his hand under my skirt and it feels like magic. Everything else in the world stops and that is the highest high for me. We do that for a long time, I also start rubbing his cock with my hand, he gets on top of me and we have sex for…not very long. Maybe a couple minutes. It was fine, I’m not going to get mad if it’s too short and it was definitely enjoyable. Plus we usually do it again in the middle of the night and once again in the morning, so I knew I’d get my fill later. But I took a tylenol PM because of a headache and we didn’t do it in the middle of the night. I didn’t initiate it in the morning because my feelings for him have closed down since he made the rude comment. And initiating in the morning is hard because my body isn’t necessarily feeling it. But my brain knows that I want it.

So I left pretty unsatisfied. But hopeful that he’d be able to visit me soon. Today I just told him my schedule and he said he doesn’t really have time to see me when I am available. And my next night off is in 7 days from now. 😦 I feel so fucking pissed and annoyed and sexually frustrated. Why does this always happen to me? I can’t ever get sex as much as I want it. I have been looking on tinder a lot today. I feel desperate. But don’t worry I’m not a hooky uppy kind of girl, I want to meet someone and start a relationship. Someone who is eager for sex and is still thrilled by it, and someone who just wants me like crazy. Someone who is also jumping at the chance to see me.

I had band practice last night. It was the first one since Fred the bassist came back to this country. I was in a sleepy mood, but also feeling sad probably about Fred being married. Hopefully it wasn’t too obvious. Practice went okay while I was playing though I thought, hmmm what if we’re not that good. And the guitarist plays sporadically and does a lot of solos, he just lets it all out always, it’s good to hold back a little and make the songs more refined. But hey we’re still new with playing with each other and we’re all pretty rusty. Fred texted me when I left and he said he played shitty and feels like he let us down. I told him that he was sweet and definitely didn’t let anyone down. Also, he did the thing where he comes over to my drumset while we’re playing and faces me while he’s playing his bass, it’s like his hands are right by his dick doing really intricate things. UGH why does he do that to me?!? It turns me on, even while I’m playing. But then reminds me of how sexually frustrated I am and it makes me play more angrily.

I do believe that I will find someone who better fulfills my needs though. I texted Caleb that this long distance plus my stupid schedule is hard for me.

He hasn’t responded. And that still feels shitty that he takes so long to respond. So yeah…dunno how much longer we’ll be seeing each other.