And then we had anal sex.

We’ve been together for a year and a month and I haven’t done anal with him because I don’t feel emotionally in sync and open with him so I just can’t go there. And I have told him I actually do like it. But the way he goes about it is not good. Instead of touching me there or asking for it while were fooling around he brings it up when we’re out in public in front of people…Yeah, how mature…

Last night after our breakup talk I laid in his bed until he got back home from going out with his brother and his friend, I couldn’t sleep because of what happened with us. He got home laid with me took his clothes off and unzipped my shorts placed his hand on top of my vagina and let it sit there. Maybe he was sensing my body language I was kind of unsure about doing anything. I was starting to feel excited and he took his hand away. I started feeling conflicted, and more awake from being turned on now. I struggled with it in my brain for a while, also because he said earlier he’s not big on goodbye sex. I didn’t want to hurt him or make it more difficult for us to split. But I knew that may be the last time I would have sex for a while. And sex with him is SO GOOD. We just fit together really well. Anyways I ended up asking if I could touch him and he said yes. So then it began.

It started with us laying on our sides him spooning me, sexin’ (haha). I figured it’d be kind of routine it was 3 in the morning. Then we did a few more positions then he went down on me. Even though I wasn’t perfectly shaven (up to his dumbass standards [trying to do a landing strip type of thing]) he did it and it felt good. I almost cried. Okay, so some tears did come out because of sadness and all that we’ve been through and worked through about the sex stuff. He didn’t notice tears. I asked him what he wanted, and he said, “I want to know why you don’t do anal with me” (cuz he knows I like it and have done it in the past). I explained the emotional reasons to him and he seemed to understand this time. Then we did doggy style….LOVE. Then he licked me from behind and he let his tongue venture up to my ass, he’s never done that to me before and I fucking loved it. I’ve had others do it a little bit but I didn’t think he’d be down to do that. And I’ve been wanting that forever. He was like a fucking pro. Just stopped and had a fucking lunch break there. He asked if I was a fan of that I said, yes! He said, “why didn’t you tell me??” I said I didn’t think he’d be into it. And then he used his fingers in me. And then it was just an explosion of me getting my mind blown not believing what was happening, and then we talked about anal. And I said we totally can because of what you just did with your tongue. But I need lots of lube and go slowly.

And it has been a good year and a half maybe more since I’ve done that. Actually probably 2 years. And my guy has a huge penis. So we did it slowly and there were times that it was a little painful but he was slow and intuitive to how I was feeling. But once you get yourself relaxed and he is in then it feels so amazing. And also just the way he was doing everything was like all my wildest dreams come true. The hair pulling, the neck grabbing. Anal is just a deeper more intense awesome thing.

So basically the tongue action overrides the whole emotional block that was blocking my ass, HA! I could have told him that a while ago that that’s what he needed to do to get me to do anal, but I think he needed to grow up and learn that on his own. I told him that doing what he did will get him anal way more successfully (100% more successfully) then bringing it up in front of people.

So…..I’ve had A LOT of weird days in my life but that one is up there!! The day we break up we have anal and it WAS SO FIREY (I mean, like, sexy hot). And I know it’s partly because it was “goodbye” sex I’ve never done that by the way. But we are seeing each other tomorrow so maybe we’ll do it again.

He was so very sad today, that kills me. Also good to know he does have some feelings in there! Plus I spent all night laying in bed mourning the loss of him and healing and he spent the night drinking. So he is behind me on the getting over it part. But now he knows he can get the awesome sex that he so badly has wanted I bet it makes him more sad. That part sucks.

And last night I was SO CLOSE to walking out and going home. I just didn’t want to get in an accident from crying so bad while driving.

I am so relieved that he is texting me and stuff though. I figured once we decided to breakup that would be it and he’d be done forever.