Some talks, and oral sex.

I’ve been trying to talk to him about some things because when I’m not with him I think of all of this bad stuff about him, such as things he’s said that upset me and it really stresses me out. So last night we hung out like normal. NO DRINKING I got so sick last weekend. We drink a lot together and I’m done with it. D.O.N.E. Anyhoo, we had sex. And I had hip surgery a month and a half ago and he hasn’t gone down on me since one or two weeks before the surgery. So I gave him a bj and then he just goes to putting it in me. My heart sank. And it’s a big issue because of the shaving thing. He only goes down on women if they’re shaven…ugh how wussy is that? So I’ve been shaving even though I don’t want to. And he hardly ever goes down on me. In previous relationships I’ve never cared about receiving oral. Because they usually do it so much that I don’t even care for it. Every once in a while is nice but it’s not the greatest thing ever. But with this guy he hardly does it AND I shave for it. So last night we had sex and afterwards I felt so empty. And my heart was beating really fast, I couldn’t believe he didn’t do it. I think he sensed my weird body language. He seemed very open and receptive to communication. And it wasn’t directly after sex but a little bit after that I said, “you confuse me.” And I didn’t want to open with being sexually dissatisfied, so I said, “the other day when  you said, ‘you’re lucky you’re attractive, have an amazing vagina, and are a good person’ what did that mean?” And he said, “what??”. He said he meant it as a compliment and would I like him to take it back? To me it seemed like, what? why am I lucky…..I dunno it was just weird. So I said that and then I was quiet for a long time. And then later I said, “are you awake?” He said, “yes.” I was quiet again (couldn’t get any words out) and literally minutes later he said, “why?”. I said that I have a stupid question to ask, “do you like going down on me?” And he said, “that is a stupid question. Yes I like doing that to you. And you are welcome to request it at any time.” I think I cut him off but I said, “I don’t think I will ever do that.” I think he said other things but I interrupted him which I wish I hadn’t but then I said, “I like…… don’t think I should have to.”

And he didn’t say anything else. It takes a while for me to think of things to say and by that time I was afraid he was falling asleep.

OMG I’m way too nice. I think some girls would just bring up shit even if their guy is needing sleep but I just keep it in. Only with him though. I’ve never been quite like this before because i know how much open communication is so important.

So I am so happy that I got some stuff out. But the universe is giving me every sign to get rid of this guy. I just really want to do it in a civil understanding way. Can’t really predict that or make that happen but damn he’s so great in ways that I don’t blog about.

And it is weird that he didn’t talk much after I brought up stuff. Like we didn’t talk it out to find a mutual understanding.

I didn’t sleep much last night, I’ve had a headache and I had to process my thoughts and feelings. I found a happiness that was me realizing I am not stuck. I do not have to be with him. I can date others and someday I will find someone who makes me feel good about myself. Someone who supports my feelings rather than shuts down. And someone who gives back massages!!!!!!! 🙂 🙂 🙂

I think about Travis so much and I have conversations “with him” in my head without actually saying the stuff to him and I know how toxic that is. It is stressful and it probably is bringing me down. Also I need to stop thinking about it.

And about oral sex. I want a guy who can’t help but do it to me. Who feels like he can’t stop himself from doing it. Not wait for me to fucking request it.

Ugh I could so easily not see him again. But I don’t want to do that to him. But he seems to not have many feelings so he may not be too hurt from it.

There’s this guy I’ve been talking to on Facebook he asked me on a date 2 weeks ago. I’ve been avoiding it, but I am going to meet him this week 😬 🙈 😱

Weekend

I have the weekend free ish could totally go over to his house but yesterday was annoying. I am on crutches and he has lots of stairs and his bedroom and bathroom are upstairs. And his bed is at a really annoying angle because his boxspring is broken. And his room has lots of bright electronic lights and it’s been a tad too warm. It took me ten minutes to leave his house today because being on crutches makes things way difficult.
I am laying here in my own room it is dark quiet and the exact perfect temperature. I get the entire bed, and the bed is perfectly flat. Just saying I’m glad to have my own room.