The Dichotomy that is my life

I am starting to get ahead on my professional life/purpose. At the same time my drumming is beginning to peak it’s head and become close to blossom. The drumming involves a dirty chicken coop  that is out in the sticks. Drinking (whisky for me), and they usually smoke. And just debauchery really.

Also having some heartache from that. It’s more that this guy, my stupid fucking married bassist, “Fred”, brings out these feelings in me, that make me feel fully alive.

My guy Caleb has been more distant than usual this past week. I have been upset ever since the last time I saw him which was 6 days ago. (also we hardly had any sex…and he hurt my feelings). I asked him if he was being more distant than usual and he said it is was in my imagination and sent a long message with these reasons as to why he’s just been busy. To me, it sounds like more and more fucking excuses. A whole lot of talking and not enough fucking. He didn’t message me at all on Monday even though I sent 2. On tuesday after asking him if he has been more distant than usual, he responded to my invite to a comedy show, and he said he’d let me know once he finds out his plans. I still don’t mother fucking hear back from him the next day. Today on Wednesday at 5:30pm I say, “I am no longer available as previously stated.”

BECAUSE, I fucking wake up and the first thing that pops in my mind is to check my phone in case Caleb has sent me something. I keep my phone on me so close just in case I hear from him. And after so many days of feeling like this and after months of having to close my feelings off for him, only to get them turned back on in the rare chance that I get to fuck him, is just not working out. I had been feeling sad about STILL NOT hearing from him, like holy fuck how much does this guy suck at life?!?!? That I started asking friends to join me at the comedy show (that I invited him to). No one was available. I ended up telling “Fred” that my previous plans fell through for going to penguins comedy club. He asked, “soooo, whatcha gunna do?!” And said that he was trying to figure out what he was going to do that night as well. I instinctively got excited, but a smidgen of me remembered that he just says things without meaning them to be invitations and is very confusing. So I invited him to the show, but also said to invite the guitarist as a band bonding time. He said he wants to but couldn’t spend money. He said he’d just be at home playing by himself. I said I’ll join! Unless he wants to play alone, while summoning the spirits of deceased chickens. (practice space is an old chicken coop).

That’s when I sent Caleb a text saying that I am no longer available as previously stated. I wanted it to inform him that I am, possibly later at a different time ie after I got out of practice but without informing him of what my new obligation was.

So, he called me about an hour and a half later. I didn’t answer, was way too busy getting ready for practice and had to drop off something to a friend first and needed to pick up more whisky before making it to practice AND I went for a kickass bike ride after an interesting day at work (all off of 5 hours of sleep).

He left a message and I couldn’t hear every single thing he said, but it sounded like stupid idiot excuses, and he also sounded nervous, especially at the end, and he said call me sometime.

I have not responded.

After practice, I was driving home and I got sad. Sad about getting over Caleb and pushing him out of my life, and sad about “Fred”. Just finding someone who I want to jump into life with but not being able to. And not being fully taken care of emotionally by my ‘almost relationship’. Feeling like I have nowhere to run. Like wanting a place to run and cry to while being hugged. I do have some friends who I could do that to. And that fact alone is one of the greatest facets of life. I want to run to Caleb, the comfortable thing, and cry on his shoulder, but he’s not here for me enough, he is not a good source of support. And then there’s the ‘Fred’ who would probably think it’d be too much. Which duh of course it would be. I’m super tired and mostly rambling.

My therapist mentioned something that alluded to “daddy issues”. She suggested that I explore that some more. There seems to be patterns and it seems like she left it open for me to find the conclusion on my own.

I sort of cut my dad out of my life, emotionally. He is there but I don’t let him in, I don’t call him, we see each other about every two months, but we don’t have a close relationship that’s for damn sure. And yet I am constantly looking for love from a man. (not to mention my extremely ravenous sex-drive) So there seems to be something to all of this but I haven’t figured it out.

Anyways, I cried tonight, mostly about getting over Caleb, and not wanting to, but also trying to get myself to.

Unsatisfied in bed, and band practice was “meh”

I went to Caleb’s on Thursday night, had a really busy week but was looking forward to seeing and having sex with him all week. I was in such an open loving happy mood on my 1 hour drive to his house. Once I get there I start telling him about a book that I just got that I think he might like a lot. I try to think of the title and make a couple guesses as to the exact title. And he interrupts and starts stuttering and making fun of me.

….

I say, “wow should I just leave now or are you gunna be a jerk the whole time?”

Then my feelings for him close down immediately. I am in a bad mood. It seems obvious to everyone around. We go to the corner market and my vibe is still really unhappy. (also because I feel bad I was feeling so good about him and so open and I was going to be really great during sex because of this and he’s been doing “all the work” lately at least with initiating it). He asks me how the drive was, I said, “it was good, I was in a good mood…” He asked what happened, I say, “you were rude to me”. He says, “I’m sorry”. And there’s silence I might have muttered, “it’s okay”.

We watch some movies and I later start nibbling on his ear, he says my tongue feels really good. I can tell he is liking it a lot I keep nibbling and licking his ear, and he puts his hand under my skirt and it feels like magic. Everything else in the world stops and that is the highest high for me. We do that for a long time, I also start rubbing his cock with my hand, he gets on top of me and we have sex for…not very long. Maybe a couple minutes. It was fine, I’m not going to get mad if it’s too short and it was definitely enjoyable. Plus we usually do it again in the middle of the night and once again in the morning, so I knew I’d get my fill later. But I took a tylenol PM because of a headache and we didn’t do it in the middle of the night. I didn’t initiate it in the morning because my feelings for him have closed down since he made the rude comment. And initiating in the morning is hard because my body isn’t necessarily feeling it. But my brain knows that I want it.

So I left pretty unsatisfied. But hopeful that he’d be able to visit me soon. Today I just told him my schedule and he said he doesn’t really have time to see me when I am available. And my next night off is in 7 days from now. 😦 I feel so fucking pissed and annoyed and sexually frustrated. Why does this always happen to me? I can’t ever get sex as much as I want it. I have been looking on tinder a lot today. I feel desperate. But don’t worry I’m not a hooky uppy kind of girl, I want to meet someone and start a relationship. Someone who is eager for sex and is still thrilled by it, and someone who just wants me like crazy. Someone who is also jumping at the chance to see me.

I had band practice last night. It was the first one since Fred the bassist came back to this country. I was in a sleepy mood, but also feeling sad probably about Fred being married. Hopefully it wasn’t too obvious. Practice went okay while I was playing though I thought, hmmm what if we’re not that good. And the guitarist plays sporadically and does a lot of solos, he just lets it all out always, it’s good to hold back a little and make the songs more refined. But hey we’re still new with playing with each other and we’re all pretty rusty. Fred texted me when I left and he said he played shitty and feels like he let us down. I told him that he was sweet and definitely didn’t let anyone down. Also, he did the thing where he comes over to my drumset while we’re playing and faces me while he’s playing his bass, it’s like his hands are right by his dick doing really intricate things. UGH why does he do that to me?!? It turns me on, even while I’m playing. But then reminds me of how sexually frustrated I am and it makes me play more angrily.

I do believe that I will find someone who better fulfills my needs though. I texted Caleb that this long distance plus my stupid schedule is hard for me.

He hasn’t responded. And that still feels shitty that he takes so long to respond. So yeah…dunno how much longer we’ll be seeing each other.

Attractions…

Alright, I’ve played music with this band 2 times. And the fucking bassist. He’s probably not my type, but there’s just something about him that first of all made me so super happy because of me playing the drums again, and our styles perfectly match up. But now I feel really attracted to him. The problem is he has a girlfriend and I have a guy I’m seeing but is not my boyfriend yet. And it’s so bad to mix romance with music aahhhhhhhhh.

If something did happen between him and I, maybe his girlfriend is open minded, or maybe she’s super hot…..

I’m going over to his place to play music again tomorrow.

My current guy Caleb, was really drunk the other night and has never heard me drum, but he said, “so you really think you are the drummer they’ve been waiting so long for?” And then he winked at me in a really shitty way. It really pissed me off, and he could tell. He tried to make it better by saying if we all are having fun and I am happy that is all that matters and he is not a jealous guy. I believe that he is not jealous because he is weird and intelligent and open minded, but he’s human, and a man so maybe deep down he is jealous. I hope so. I am annoyed that he doesn’t make set plans with me. So I feel kind of weird about that.

WordPress told me that my stats are going way up like 35 views per hour….what is up with that?

Had sex 4 times this weekend, and I am now in a band…

Caleb has come over twice now. Last Friday and last night. I am too tired to get into all the details but last night was and today with him was so on fire. I had invited him over friday night and he hadn’t responded to my text that I sent at 830pm so I sent him a message through facebook messenger the next day at some point asking if he had gotten my textuals. And he responded and said he wasn’t feeling good and stuff and I hadn’t been feeling good or social lately either so I actually didn’t want him to come over at that point just wanted some me time and to catch up on sleep. Plus the fact that he doesn’t give me a yes or no answer about him coming over is fucking lame. And I started thinking of all the reasons why we aren’t good for each other. I decided I was tired of him (hadn’t seen him for almost a week) so, it being halloween and my weekend off work, I decided I’d go out with my friend and then look at tinder and meet up with a guy and have a date that night. I had to take some friends out for drinks earlier in the day to thank them for fixing my car, and I got way too drunk way too fast. So on my way home I decided to stop off at a bar to get food and another drink and try to get them to give me a bartending job. So by then I’m quite drunk and just want Caleb so bad. Like all the sudden I super want him so hard. So I start texting him and he asks how bad do I want him. He ends up driving the hour out here and he hates driving and has a bad back. I can’t believe that he came out here. But we had so fucking much fun. He did say that partly why he drove out here was cuz he didn’t want me going out looking all cute in a skirt and being partly mad at him. (thinking I’d be macking on other guys which is absolutely what I would have been doing……). So he succesfully intercepted any chances of me meeting up with someone else (and I’m not a one night stander, I’ve never done it) so that wouldn’t happen but no dates could happen with him there, duh.

Anyhoo we had lots of amazing sex AND even better is our wonderful conversations and he was so sweet and easy going.

And I just joined a band and I have met and just played music with the bassist, Fred and I am a bit attracted to him thankfully he has a girlfriend, and I wasn’t attracted to him at first but now that I know him it’s definitely there. So we played music for the first time today. And I am so tired and had drinks all yesterday and today, so I’m loopy and so fucking turned on because of Caleb. That I had to give myself a pep talk about band practice, I was afraid that maybe I’d sleep with this dude and fuck up things because it’s bad to mix romance and music and also he’s got a gf and I’ve got a maybe eventually bf. But mostly I want to make MUSIC and not ruin it with my stupid needy vagina.

But I went to practice and it was so fucking good. I haven’t drummed in 6 months! World record for me in the last 13 years and only time that I have not had a set either. It’s because of hip surgery and money stuff. But it went good. I can’t believe that I am a drummer again and these people are fucking amazing. I have achieved maximum happiness overload.

And I didn’t sleep with Fred. Phew! Since he has a lady he probably wouldn’t be down for it anyways but I’m glad that I didn’t. I am super tired and it’s ready to get back to healthy life again.

Tinder Guy…

I just found a super hot guy on Tinder. I look at it almost everyday these days and don’t see much of anything that excites me. But I just found a guy who, according to Tinder is 1 mile away from me and he’s super hot and he’s responding right away. At least it’d be nice to get my mind of Caleb. Even this morning before I found this guy on Tinder, I decided I’m tired of feeling so wanty and not getting that feeling back towards me. Well Caleb does want me a lot but I need to see effort on his part. But now, thinking that I may find another guy and not be able to see Caleb anymore makes me feel kind of happy, like I have the upper hand. Especially when I’ve felt so desperate for these past two months and I feel like it’s not reciprocated.

But this Tinder guy, just told me he’s a country boy which is cool but I hope he’s not too country where like he’s dumb.

I realize how dumb that sentence sounds but I’m keeping it because that’s how it came out.

I need to get my ass back in school so that I don’t pay attention to this guy stuff that much. But also it’s totally my thing. I like collecting boys, they make me feel happy. I am a cougar in training. I think my great grandma was like me…my dad said she lived a weird life and was very promiscuous.

Sunday I thought it was love. By Tuesday I want to get over him.

He responded to my 2 texts on Sunday. I texted him Monday around 1:30pm saying, “what did you want me to text you with, skirt pics and what else?”

And it is Tuesday 12:25pm and I’ve heard nothing.

He brought up the fact that he’s not a texter but it still feels wrong. Because also he will post stuff on facebook so why can he do that and not return my text? I think ‘not being a texter’ is not wrong or a bad thing. It just seems like not that hard of a thing to do for a person you probably are excited to have in your life. The last month of my life I’ve been glued to my phone just hoping to hear from him. So maybe one of my needs is that I need someone who contacts me more. So I started looking at Tinder again. I don’t have time to wait around. I mean, I let him stick his dick in my ass, he can’t simply respond to a text???

Sorry to be all negative I have felt crappy since last night, work sucked it is so boring that it makes me sad, and then I ate a ton of food last night and kind of the day before and kind of a big breakfast today. I can already see it on my body. But hey, I don’t judge myself, I have learned to trust myself and love myself no matter what and I know I will even it all out.

Also about the guy, I remembered that he does want me to meet his mom. I wonder if it’s to show me off because I am pretty and sweet and smart, and his last gf was a horrible rude crazy person.

I am just done with going out of my way (even though it’s always because it’s worth it to me to see him) but it is becoming not worth it. If I feel down and shitty all other days of the week then it’s just not worth it anymore.

I told him this time it’s his turn to visit me, for realsies. He said he thinks his tags for his truck will come in this week. They better. And if not, then I’m going on a date, on my frikken one day off this week.

I’d like to know your thoughts on the texting thing…this morning I messaged him on facebook asking if he’s more of a phone talker than a texter.

He’s Serial Killer Hot.

I had a day of nothing much besides not being able to decide what to do. I went on a good bike ride today though. This is the same day as me not going out to lunch with Travis’s parents because it would make me too nervous and I was tired. But there was a show in my hometown area which is an hour away from where I live. I was going to go, but then Travis said he might go. But then he said he couldn’t then I said he could come over to my house because I don’t need to go there (and I need sex [I didn’t tell him that]). And he declined. So that made me sad because I felt rejected which I blogged about previously. So I decided I’d have fun and go to the show anyways. Then I start talking to this other guy who I met online this past winter and I told him what I was up to and he thought it was so weird that I’d go to this show by myself. And I ended up getting mad at him because he seemed like he was accusing me of stuff. At one point i said, “Looks like I won’t be talking to you anymore”. But then we did talk more. But I realized that he is serial killer hot. I hope he doesn’t read this someday and take offense to it. But there’s got to be someone out there who understands what I mean. Like strangely compelling and just hot in a weird unexplainable way.

There’s this other guy I found on FB who lives in that area so I sent him an invite to the show earlier, and I didn’t think he’d actually go. But then after driving about 15 minutes I decided not to go and I went home, checked fb and he said he was going to go. By that time it was 9:20 pm I got excited and decided it’d be fun to go on a date especially since Travis rejected me, and before him and I possibly get serious. So I drove 20 minutes and talked myself out of it. Mostly since it was so late and I am really trying to be better about sleeping earlier. My friends give me so much shit but I really want to wake up early and go to bed early. It’s the old people lifestyle that I am trying to adopt! Anyways I told that guy that I had to go to my brothers house instead but to tell me how the show is and that I’d like to meet up another time. He was very nice and cool about it.

Now that I am home I am so glad to be. I have felt so sleepy lately and I really hate being out late because then I will drink and just feel awful the next day. And my friend Raleigh wanted to hang out.  I have been getting better as a person especially with not cheating. And Raleigh is such a loving warm soul that knowing that I have someone back in my home area who wants to hang and who loves me makes it pointless for me to go on random late night long drives to meet a new guy. And plus I still would feel guilty since I’m with Travis. But him and I need to talk if he’s wanting to be serious. 

Saved by the…man?

No, more like saved by my friends and by myself. But it has been immensely improved by Travis getting back to me. And JJ stopping by randomly. I still have barely slept since last wednesday. About 3-4 hours a night. And for me that is half to almost a third of what I normally get. I didn’t hear from Travis all yesterday. I woke up today at 6 or 7am and I couldn’t get back to sleep because I kept thinking about him and how his ignoring me and what I figured was rejection of me, just made no sense at all! Because of how much fun we had last Thursday and then the next day how his attitude changed completely. And how NOT OKAY I am with someone ignoring you when your sad. Ps I’d like anyone to give me their opinions on this matter. Ignoring someone when they’re sad. And that’s all it was, I wasn’t mad, no one was to blame. I am not one to fight at all. I just thought it was okay for me to tell him how I felt.

So by about 9 am today I felt so shitty about it. A really bad unhealthy knot in my gut. I hadn’t showered for 2 days. I’ve let my apartment get messy. Vented to every friend who would listen. (And I suddenly have more spare time, a job I work at caught on fire so it’s closed for a while, spare time gives the mind much time to wander and dwell). I decided the pain was pretty rough and if he is a reasonable human being there is a chance he’ll respond and if he doesn’t then I know for sure that we are done and I can move on. I said, “Are you going to want to talk to me again? I’m confused.”

He responded, “Of course I do?”

I assume that meant, ‘of course I do, why would you question it?’

And I felt so relieved that he had the decency to respond. I haven’t said anything back. I do want to see him mostly to say look, “in my world I cannot have someone who ignores someone when they are sad. That doesn’t exist in my life and I want no part in that.” If he wants to get back with me, he cannot do that.

So, I was feeling a lot better because I rearranged my room and my place looks pretty nice and I got to thinking about all the good friends in my life and I knew I was going to be okay. I got in the shower, came out into my room, and I hear a knocking on the door. It took me a while to get into proper clothes and go answer the door but I did and lo and behold it’s JJ. A man friend of mine who is so wonderful. He has done so much good in my life. Being there as a support system for me to vent to and give me some perspective on the Travis situation. (he is the only one who says, hey give him a break! Just give him a few days he just needs a breather. All my other friends say leave him, he sucks, he’s a douche.) But we hung out he gave me a head and neck massage, YES! and then we went out to buy me a new lining for my shower (which I need because I’m a bit short on funds and mine clings like hell). It is quite rare for someone to buy me stuff. He did it out of a nurturing gesture, like see there are people who love and care for you. There is still good out there! And we went out to lunch which I needed also. And his advice and his compliments and his faith in me has done me a world of good. He solidifies the good qualities that I see in myself, yet most people do not see. So, I actually felt happiness 🙂 He is very wise and a doctor and an extremely valued friend.