We just fucked for 5 hours.

Ummmmm.

I went out to lunch with him today, and I had mixed feelings, and I had previously decided that if he wanted to sleep with me that I would not. Since he hurt my feelings so bad on Friday by saying the let’s just be friends thing. But we had lunch and I had a really good time with him. We talked about important life things and it felt natural and nice. I didn’t let myself get too excited because I thought it was just going to be our final hang and no sex stuff would happen. But we go back to his place because the server brought me two drinks, they were 2 for 1, and I felt pretty intoxicated, so he said I could come up for a little bit and I did. I sat on his couch and I was really thinking that he was going to sit on the chair that is not near the couch. But he sat next to me and brushed up against me a little here and there. Then he laid back on the couch as if he wanted me to lay next to him. I look at him and I say, “are you comfortable like that?” And then I lay next to him and it feels really good. Then we kiss a little and I ask him about what he meant by hanging out on a friend level. And he meant that he has so many things going on in his life that he feels he wouldn’t be able to put enough attention into me and it wouldn’t be fair to me. He has a big court thing going on from a car accident he was in and his son is going to start kindergarten and they seem really close.

I told him that I am very cool with moving slow. And as long as he communicates with me then I will understand. And plus I have my own things I need to focus on too.

And then we boned for 5 hours straight, holy shit. And we did anal. OMG he is so great. His back is all messed up from the car accident so it was me on top for 98% of the time, which is one of my least favorite positions, but he is so great that I am glad to be able to do that. He tried other positions but they hurt him. So my body is fucking tired, my arms are shaking. If we keep seeing each other I am going to get really good at that position and I am going to have super strong arms.

I was NOT expecting the sex, and not expecting him to like me anymore.

It goes to show that him saying he wanted to still hang out on a friend level, triggered so many things in my brain and in my emotions, but they weren’t true. Like the first day I was upset because I was tired of all the rejection I’ve had in my life. And it brought up insecurities, and I assumed I was bad at sex and that’s why he didn’t want to see me anymore, or that I’m emotionally unavailable, or I’m not bubbly enough for him, or yadda yadda yadda. He said the friend thing on Friday, today is Monday and by Saturday my brain just concluded that none of those things made sense, nor are they true, and he probably didn’t want to have sex anymore because it hurts his back and that he felt I deserved more than what he could give.

So, our automatic assumptions are not always true!

I am going to be a little cautious with this guy though, he has hurt me a couple of times already, like him not remembering to text me in the beginning for like 6 days, and then him rescheduling the next time, and then this friend thing. Not too bad, but we also talked about depression and he must just go in and withdraw. I should ask him more about that, because I can’t have a guy who completely goes inward and shuts me out when they’re upset. I need someone who’s all there, even if they’re mad or upset.

Gotta go to sleep now, nighty night!

Tinder Guy…

I just found a super hot guy on Tinder. I look at it almost everyday these days and don’t see much of anything that excites me. But I just found a guy who, according to Tinder is 1 mile away from me and he’s super hot and he’s responding right away. At least it’d be nice to get my mind of Caleb. Even this morning before I found this guy on Tinder, I decided I’m tired of feeling so wanty and not getting that feeling back towards me. Well Caleb does want me a lot but I need to see effort on his part. But now, thinking that I may find another guy and not be able to see Caleb anymore makes me feel kind of happy, like I have the upper hand. Especially when I’ve felt so desperate for these past two months and I feel like it’s not reciprocated.

But this Tinder guy, just told me he’s a country boy which is cool but I hope he’s not too country where like he’s dumb.

I realize how dumb that sentence sounds but I’m keeping it because that’s how it came out.

I need to get my ass back in school so that I don’t pay attention to this guy stuff that much. But also it’s totally my thing. I like collecting boys, they make me feel happy. I am a cougar in training. I think my great grandma was like me…my dad said she lived a weird life and was very promiscuous.