The Dichotomy that is my life

I am starting to get ahead on my professional life/purpose. At the same time my drumming is beginning to peak it’s head and become close to blossom. The drumming involves a dirty chicken coop  that is out in the sticks. Drinking (whisky for me), and they usually smoke. And just debauchery really.

Also having some heartache from that. It’s more that this guy, my stupid fucking married bassist, “Fred”, brings out these feelings in me, that make me feel fully alive.

My guy Caleb has been more distant than usual this past week. I have been upset ever since the last time I saw him which was 6 days ago. (also we hardly had any sex…and he hurt my feelings). I asked him if he was being more distant than usual and he said it is was in my imagination and sent a long message with these reasons as to why he’s just been busy. To me, it sounds like more and more fucking excuses. A whole lot of talking and not enough fucking. He didn’t message me at all on Monday even though I sent 2. On tuesday after asking him if he has been more distant than usual, he responded to my invite to a comedy show, and he said he’d let me know once he finds out his plans. I still don’t mother fucking hear back from him the next day. Today on Wednesday at 5:30pm I say, “I am no longer available as previously stated.”

BECAUSE, I fucking wake up and the first thing that pops in my mind is to check my phone in case Caleb has sent me something. I keep my phone on me so close just in case I hear from him. And after so many days of feeling like this and after months of having to close my feelings off for him, only to get them turned back on in the rare chance that I get to fuck him, is just not working out. I had been feeling sad about STILL NOT hearing from him, like holy fuck how much does this guy suck at life?!?!? That I started asking friends to join me at the comedy show (that I invited him to). No one was available. I ended up telling “Fred” that my previous plans fell through for going to penguins comedy club. He asked, “soooo, whatcha gunna do?!” And said that he was trying to figure out what he was going to do that night as well. I instinctively got excited, but a smidgen of me remembered that he just says things without meaning them to be invitations and is very confusing. So I invited him to the show, but also said to invite the guitarist as a band bonding time. He said he wants to but couldn’t spend money. He said he’d just be at home playing by himself. I said I’ll join! Unless he wants to play alone, while summoning the spirits of deceased chickens. (practice space is an old chicken coop).

That’s when I sent Caleb a text saying that I am no longer available as previously stated. I wanted it to inform him that I am, possibly later at a different time ie after I got out of practice but without informing him of what my new obligation was.

So, he called me about an hour and a half later. I didn’t answer, was way too busy getting ready for practice and had to drop off something to a friend first and needed to pick up more whisky before making it to practice AND I went for a kickass bike ride after an interesting day at work (all off of 5 hours of sleep).

He left a message and I couldn’t hear every single thing he said, but it sounded like stupid idiot excuses, and he also sounded nervous, especially at the end, and he said call me sometime.

I have not responded.

After practice, I was driving home and I got sad. Sad about getting over Caleb and pushing him out of my life, and sad about “Fred”. Just finding someone who I want to jump into life with but not being able to. And not being fully taken care of emotionally by my ‘almost relationship’. Feeling like I have nowhere to run. Like wanting a place to run and cry to while being hugged. I do have some friends who I could do that to. And that fact alone is one of the greatest facets of life. I want to run to Caleb, the comfortable thing, and cry on his shoulder, but he’s not here for me enough, he is not a good source of support. And then there’s the ‘Fred’ who would probably think it’d be too much. Which duh of course it would be. I’m super tired and mostly rambling.

My therapist mentioned something that alluded to “daddy issues”. She suggested that I explore that some more. There seems to be patterns and it seems like she left it open for me to find the conclusion on my own.

I sort of cut my dad out of my life, emotionally. He is there but I don’t let him in, I don’t call him, we see each other about every two months, but we don’t have a close relationship that’s for damn sure. And yet I am constantly looking for love from a man. (not to mention my extremely ravenous sex-drive) So there seems to be something to all of this but I haven’t figured it out.

Anyways, I cried tonight, mostly about getting over Caleb, and not wanting to, but also trying to get myself to.

Caleb’s lack of response

Made me sad last night. And I hardly ate anything and had 4 drinks on empty stomach. That can make me emotional. But it was all valid and accurate. Had lots of amazing sex with him on Thursday and Friday morning. I tell him it’s my weekend off, so he can come visit me Saturday and/or Sunday. He ends up not responding much after I left and he says he’s sick and been in bed all day. He gets sick a lot. He is not in good shape health-wise. I won’t have a night free in almost 2 weeks. I told him this. Long distance is too frustrating. I leave his place feeling open, happy, loving. And then I have to shut it off since I won’t see him for so long and he doesn’t respond soon enough.

There are times when I like him so much. But it’s just too hard.

Sunday I thought it was love. By Tuesday I want to get over him.

He responded to my 2 texts on Sunday. I texted him Monday around 1:30pm saying, “what did you want me to text you with, skirt pics and what else?”

And it is Tuesday 12:25pm and I’ve heard nothing.

He brought up the fact that he’s not a texter but it still feels wrong. Because also he will post stuff on facebook so why can he do that and not return my text? I think ‘not being a texter’ is not wrong or a bad thing. It just seems like not that hard of a thing to do for a person you probably are excited to have in your life. The last month of my life I’ve been glued to my phone just hoping to hear from him. So maybe one of my needs is that I need someone who contacts me more. So I started looking at Tinder again. I don’t have time to wait around. I mean, I let him stick his dick in my ass, he can’t simply respond to a text???

Sorry to be all negative I have felt crappy since last night, work sucked it is so boring that it makes me sad, and then I ate a ton of food last night and kind of the day before and kind of a big breakfast today. I can already see it on my body. But hey, I don’t judge myself, I have learned to trust myself and love myself no matter what and I know I will even it all out.

Also about the guy, I remembered that he does want me to meet his mom. I wonder if it’s to show me off because I am pretty and sweet and smart, and his last gf was a horrible rude crazy person.

I am just done with going out of my way (even though it’s always because it’s worth it to me to see him) but it is becoming not worth it. If I feel down and shitty all other days of the week then it’s just not worth it anymore.

I told him this time it’s his turn to visit me, for realsies. He said he thinks his tags for his truck will come in this week. They better. And if not, then I’m going on a date, on my frikken one day off this week.

I’d like to know your thoughts on the texting thing…this morning I messaged him on facebook asking if he’s more of a phone talker than a texter.

He still sucks at responding.

I messaged him yesterday asking, “If I get impatient and your tags aren’t fixed would you want me to visit this weekend?”

And I have heard nothing from him…

If I ever see him again I am going to ask him about it. Something like, based on your messaging response time, should I assume you’re not that into me?

If he doesn’t respond by tomorrow I might just be over him.

This is annoying that technology and the way he uses it is a determining factor of us. Because when we’re together he seems like he likes me a lot, even more than just physical. So maybe his response is not an indication of his feelings, but I don’t know how it couldn’t be.

I am getting over him.

I asked him if he was done seeing me and he said no, he likes me, but I was just driving him nuts right now.

So because I texted to him that I was sad because our plans got confused I got ignored for almost the whole day. And he didn’t answer my calls but was still texting me at the same time.

If he wanted to get serious with me that cannot happen. When someone’s feelings are hurt you do not ignore them. That is so mean and selfish. It is not the type of love I can be involved with. I was pretty sad last night (also sleep deprived for the last 2 nights) but this morning I woke up, was quickly reminded of the nightmarish happenings of the night and day prior. But now that I got good sleep I feel fine! I just need to keep busy and take care of what needs to be taken care of.

I cannot fucking believe he was that insensitive. He’s always been very responsive and caring. He is a dumbass.

Texting B.S.

Him and I texted more. I kind of want to give up texting. At least like for one day a week. Basically he was ignoring me because he was a little put off by our interaction last night. I want to be like I was a little put off by you being a fucking douche bag. Oops

So basically he has fucked up majorly. We had plans to hang last night. As the night got late I realized they weren’t happening so I told him I was sad about it. So he ignored me all today and we had plans today to hang too.

He ignored my calls when they were in between texts too. NOT OKAY

He is the one who has fucked up. And it is good for me to know this sooner rather than later.

It just sucks so much 😦 I want to touch him and I loooove spending time with him.

Men and Women’s Textual Differences.

It’s amazing what goes through a woman’s mind when her man doesn’t text her for 6 hours. A guy I’ve been dating very frequently for 2 months didn’t get back to me for 6 hours today (we also had a confusing night where I thought we had plans but he got confused and then I told him I was sad because I thought I was going to see him but then didn’t get to, so you’d think the next morning he’d try to make sure I was okay by getting ahold of me, like at all. A simple, ‘sorry about last night I hope you’re feeling better’ would have been magnificent! But nope I got nothing. I assume he’s busy and I tried really hard not to text him often today. I had to work and that made work suck and some things that ran through my mind were, ‘he went out last night so he met a girl who is so much hotter and better in bed than I am and now he doesn’t want me’. ‘Since he was out with friends and family they probably made him realize that I’m not right for him and now he’s never going to talk to me again’. ‘He thinks I’m insane because of my text messages so he’s totally done with me’. Guys want a woman without emotions because they’re too complex and difficult. Also there are logical thoughts too like, what if he’s been busy? But then I refute it by saying I’m fucking busy but he is a priority so I check my phone as often as possible. What if he’s on a boat? Maybe his phone broke so I better check facebook.

It seems to be a commonality among my female friends. They text a guy and if he doesn’t respond for about 30 minutes or more they start to worry. And especially if it becomes like 4 hours or more we start disassembling images of us having a future together that had been so warily constructed in our minds. Thoughts of our “getting over a break up plan” begin to take its place.

We rationalize it with thoughts like, ‘well obviously he doesn’t care about me as much as I care about him or he’d be checking his phone more frequently than once every 6 hours’. Or, ‘I must not be as important to him as he is to me and that’s an imbalance so it can’t work’.

Even though it may not sound like it, I give men the benefit of the doubt and I know how it is when people get busy and can’t check texts. (But with him it has always been within the 30 minute range, like never more than an hour [and yes it is fucked up that I pay that much attention to texting rate times but hey I have a busy mind]). So this is out of the ordinary and he made me sad last night and I told him that and he hasn’t made efforts to make me feel better.

Blah blah blah. I need to lighten up. And maybe date some other people while dating him too.